Have you ever set a big goal and then found yourself meeting that goal and think… whoa… wait a second… what am I thinking? Ya, that’s me right now. I have set so many goals for myself over the years, meeting one goal and then another, then another. There are other goals too that I have skipped, readjusted and am still working on. Yet, not until this moment have I been met with this feeling of … terror?? I’m not sure if that is even the right word for it. Is it really fear or is it just the awed moment of retrospect of disbelief and gratitude? I may not have the words for it, however I can describe the image I see in my head as I try to explain: I am climbing a large diving tower, you know the ones you see in cartoons that have a ladder that climbs up into the clouds, and I reach the top and its at this moment I look down and realize how terrifyingly high I am from the ground (from my comfort zone) and clamp onto the rails like a spider monkey... Yup, that’s what I'm feeling.
The interesting thing here is that I haven’t reached a goal of fame or fortune (not on my list anyway), however they are big goals I am meeting which is propelling my own personal growth. I guess I feel that I am coming into a new level of being where I have been working very hard to heal and move out of my own way. You know how I have described healing as peeling layers of an onion and that you have to go through it one at at time? While I have been working on my own self healing for many years now (and will forever be), I have been working on layer after layer of self doubt and limitations. Now I feel as if I am coming to a place in this part of my healing where I am graduating with my Bachelors degree and about to ‘dive’ into the graduate program.
Well, that’s exactly it. I am about to ‘dive’ into an even deeper pool of dark water that I have never been, perhaps I may even be the first in many generational lines and even lifetimes to visit this new program. What this really means is putting myself out there and becoming more vulnerable, facing bigger fears and taking larger risks. No wonder I'm grasping for something solid and hugging it for dear life. Yet, I know that with every new phase there is always more growth and grander rewards for the work you put into yourself. The hardest part has always been letting go.
The thing about goals, in setting them, working towards them, and achieving them is getting out of your own way. No matter how terrifying this ladder and dive are I know there is nothing that will stop me from taking the plunge. I know I am going to do it and I will do it well, but sometimes even knowing that is scary too. I am human just like you. I am not mad at myself or judging this moment, I am just taking in the scene, the time in space before everything changes again and you can’t go back to the ‘way it was’. I don’t even know what is actually coming, but I feel a giant wave coming at me. It’s building and about to break over me. Where I choose it to take me will be a journey of unfolding. A journey I will share as I understand it.
For now just remember that you are truly limitless and it is your fears that keep you from diving into the pool of unknown crazy scary things. However that is where you find your biggest rewards and your goals accomplished.
You got this… I got this… WE got this!
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