Hello Every Body,

Thanksgiving might just be my favorite holiday. I love to cook on a big scale so many years I've done the cooking for the large extended family I married into. I have a plan that starts days before and then another plan for the day of that goes down to the minute.

But this Thanksgiving I didn't get to do any of that, because I was sick in bed. I caught some weird flu type thing (who even knows anymore!?) so I was tossing out plans like I was bailing water out of a boat. That new recipe I wanted to try is gonna have to wait. The scratch green bean casserole I look forward to all year? Nothing's stopping me from making it later. Any tradition beyond sweating in my sheets? Just not gonna happen and I had to deal.

I also had some personal goals I fell way behind on. I'm working on writing a book for Body Loyalty and I'm now a full month behind my plan. There are some issues on my website that I'd love to fix before I send out this newsletter and invite company over. My house became covered in dirty laundry and dirty dishes on every available surface.

Lucky for me, at this point in my life, I don't feel the shame and grief I used to about not living up to my plans. Now I just toss those well-laid plans right out the window. No other goal supersedes keeping my body healthy and creating a life that doesn't hurt to live. ESPECIALLY the goals I am imposing on myself in the name of "how we've always done it."

The way I learned this lesson I really wouldn't recommend. It started at the hospital when they told me they were going to have to give me an emergency C-section at 27 weeks pregnant. I responded with, "But my birth plan!" The nurse just shook her head and said, "Sweetie, we're way beyond birth plans." It continued from there with every day parenting a couture kid - one of a kind and handstitched by the finest surgical artisans.

During the holidays there's a whole lot of "how we've always done it" and even more "this is the way things are done." There's a lot of cultural, social, and familiar pressure around things that hold deep meaning. But ultimately, winter holidays are about celebrating with loved ones, so if "how we've always done it" doesn't feel like celebration, than you can change it until it does. 

That especially includes boundaries around your body. You can avoid places or events that make you feel bad. You can tell people their input isn't welcome. You can respond to every criticism about food or body size or appearance like a broken record: My body is a good body. My body is a good body. My body is a good body. Even if you are totally stuck in your circumstances, you can  say to yourself, "My opinion is the one that matters. I'm gonna take care of my body the way it needs to be taken care of."

Your body may very well need more food than you're eating. Or different food. Your body might need to be spoken about differently. Your body might need compassion or gentleness, space away or vulnerability in reaching out. "How we've always done it" is irrelevant to your body. It needs you to throw out the birth plan, be present for what's happening, and take care of it. And you deserve that.

This month we've been talking about Body Cops. You know, the people who deputize themselves into being the enforcers about how bodies should be. The people who comment on other people's food, clothing, body size, gender presentation, and all the rest. The ones who can't have a conversation about food without it being about a diet and who feel they are being righteous when they criticize someone. This time of year, with lots of cultural celebrations involving food and loved ones you may not see regularly, is prime Body Cop season, so we're preparing some defenses.

Every morning I make a TikTok based on what I'm thinking about for Body Loyalty. I've been treating it like my stand up open mic to figure out what people are responding to as I develop this philosophy. I'm sharing more of them on Instagram and YouTube now to spread those messages out to wherever the people are.

This month's most popular:

Our bodies are communicating with us all the time, and often what they're telling us is: You're hurting me! Stop it! Heartburn, headaches, poor sleep, poor digestion, muscle pain, these are things we can bring on ourselves and so they are things we can change. But no amount of good behavior will outsmart mortality. There are always going to be ways we hurt and consequences we face that are completely out of our control. So where is that line? When it comes to our bodies, when do we need to accept responsibility, and when are we inappropriately accepting blame?

We'll tackle that in December!